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MOTHERING AND THE FEMALE STRESS SYNDROME: THE WORKING MOTHER

Fifty-one percent of the women in this country, many of them mothers, held jobs as of 1979. Some were married, and some were divorced, single, or widowed. Most were working, because the American dream of "getting somewhere" had been replaced by the reality of working hard to avoid falling behind.

Working may help women relieve the family budget squeeze, but it also contributes to stress. Women do not trade in housework for job work; they add job duties to home and mothering duties.

Working mothers often worry that they may be cheating their families of their time, and so they try to make it up to them. This in turn leaves the working mother even more tired, still guilt-ridden, and without any time for herself.

Often working mothers must deal also with sexism—and not just sexism at their place of employment, either. Many women report that as working mothers they are discriminated against by their children's teachers, school committee members, and neighbors, and within their own families by critical parents, in-laws, or even husbands.

Betti-Anne and Joe had four children. They both agreed that the children needed Betti-Anne at home full time, but as Joe's salary increments fell behind cost-of-living increases, Betti-Anne had to take a nine-to-five job. Soon after starting work, Betti-Anne was called to school by the teacher of her oldest son. The teacher reported that the boy seemed to be having difficulty concentrating on his classwork. She suggested that Betti-Anne's new job and schedule might be upsetting her son and interfering with his ability to concentrate.

Feeling upset and guilty, Betti-Anne called the boy's grandparents and received two versions of what she calls the "Mother's Place Is in the Home" lecture. Her husband suggested that they increase discipline and not indulge the boy. Betti-Anne's best friend disagreed and suggested family counseling.

Things did not improve until a state-wide intelligence test given in school showed that Betti-Anne's son was extremely gifted and probably very bored in the classroom. His classroom problems coincided with his mother's new job, but were not caused by her working. He was skipped a grade, Betti-Anne kept her job, and all was well. Or was it? Betti-Anne learned how quickly her working could be held responsible for her family's problems. She also learned how ready she was to do the same. Would she feel less guilty the next time a problem came up?

The alternative seems to create stress as well. That is, a mother who chooses to stay home runs the risk of feeling that she is not doing her share to relieve her husband of the economic strain of these times. Furthermore, her sense of dependency is heightened even as she clips coupons, buys on sale, and pinches pennies. It seems that mothers in the '80s are likely to feel stressed and guilty if they do work outside the house, and stressed and guilty if they do not.

Divorced, single, and widowed mothers, of course, usually have very little choice about whether they work. The cost of raising a child from birth to about eighteen years on a moderate budget has been estimated to be at least $50,000, excluding childbirth and college costs; and since the cost of a well-educated mother not working during those same years is at least $75,000 in lost income, it is obvious that money stress is considerable in single-parent households.

A different kind of stress is created for modern mothers by what I'll call "Dana's Dilemma." Dana is a friend who confided recently, "I'd be much happier at home than I am working." Since financial considerations were not the motivation for Dana's job, I asked why she did not remain at home. "I feel that being a wife and a mother is my thing, but I don't have any friends to do my thing with anymore," she replied.

It seems that most of Dana's friends left the ÐÒÀ. and the A&P in order to return to school or pursue careers. In fact, they scolded Dana for not doing the same. Social pressure on women to "do their own thing," Dana claims, apparently does not encompass staying home and mothering!

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